I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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