I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
