and you said cock pushups were impossible
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
