did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
