WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
