Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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