You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
