You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
40s are totally the cure
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
