honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
