Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
