I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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