Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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