Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
