Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
