I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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