its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why do cheetos always look like penises
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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