Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
