I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
