an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
