Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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