Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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