I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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