It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i think my cat just said my name.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
