Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
