I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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