mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
