If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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