Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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