Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
are you so shy because you have an std?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
COCAINE IS GR8
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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