Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
