I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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