I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
