some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
