So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
