is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
