woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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