I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
