I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
