I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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