I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
