went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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