he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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