Who wears a wallet chain?!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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