My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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