Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
