once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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