had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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