No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
