Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
