I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
