I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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