wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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