dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
